The beautiful game of give and take

I have always been a very social person. I thrive being around people, talking, exchanging ideas, having fun. It defines who I am, and have always felt happy and complete being amongst people. My friends have always been essential to me, to my happiness and overall well-being. And yet, lately, I’ve noticed that I’m starting to get so much out of spending time by myself. I have become quite selective in the people that I spend time with. I’ve grown to be sensitive to people’s energy and have become very mindful of the effect this has in me. People’s attitude, their drive and ambition (or lack thereof), their ability for insightful conversation, it has all become much more important to me in my fourth decade. And for the first time in my life, I’d rather be alone than in unexceptional company. And I don’t mean to say that some of the people in my life are not exceptional, they are. They are nice and kind and really decent human beings – but I’ve come to realize and accept that sometimes what I need I don’t necessarily get from being around them.

So I have become selective, a bit anti-social for my standards or what has been typical for me.  It used to be that I’d want to be surrounded by people, I’d get so much out of it. But as my needs have changed, so has how I spend my time and with whom. Enjoying spending time by myself has been a wonderful surprise, one I didn't expect. I sit at a café (like the one I’m in right now), write, watch people, analyze, engage in casual, “good to talk to you, have a nice life” quick chats, have lunch, a glass of wine – all by myself. And oh how I’m loving this.

So what does this mean? Does it mean I'm not as social as I used to be? That I don't get fulfillment from being around people like I always have? I guess this means I’m evolving. I am maturing and my needs – emotional, intellectual, even physical, are maturing too. I find myself unfulfilled with meaningless conversation, and it can be hard, almost painful when I don’t get meaningful ones. Of course there are a handful of people in my life that fulfill these needs, and thank God for them. Yet, in the absence of this, being with just me, with my thoughts, reading, writing, listening to music, just being, is better.

 

But here’s another fabulous surprise that has happened to me as I spend time by myself – conversations with strangers. Random conversations with people I don’t know that start from sitting by ourselves in the same café. A lady reading a book who wants a break from reading and decides to share that her daughter is starting college next year and how she’ll miss her at home, a quick conversation with the guy who runs the café - an older guy who decided to come help his son run his business, because it got him out of the house and he was starting to get depressed now that he’s alone. I don’t know about you, but I go through most of my days wondering what my contribution to the world is, how I can make the world better. It just hit me after one of these spontaneous, nice conversations that perhaps, listening to these people tell me about their lives is all I need to do to make the world better. Because sometimes what people need is someone who is willing to listen.

So as I have become a bit more selective in how and who I spend my time, I also know that I need to be in peoples’ lives. I realize that my energy might not be a match for everybody; it might not have the right balance for some. But for a lot of people in my life (friends and strangers), it can be fuel. They need to be around me, my energy, just as much as I need to be around other people’s great energy. They need my optimism and my drive and ambition and drive as fuel, and I am both willing and honored to provide this to anyone who needs it and welcomes it. And in an interesting way, I need to be around theirs too, if only for a different kind of fuel. The trick is striking the right balance, something that I'm getting better at each day.

And as I fuel myself by spending time with people that elevate me, enjoy quiet time by myself and have small conversations with strangers, I continue to grow – I learn to listen, really listen, learn to not judge, learn to be compassionate and understanding and kind and also learn that it is not about giving advice, or suggestions for the future, or questioning decisions made, but about giving love and kindness. The only meaningful thing we can offer is love. Love and kindness – that really is the most powerful fuel. I pass that fuel on to those who might be open to receiving it, and it comes right back to me. It all comes full circle, the game of give and take.

 

Well what do you know, I’m still the very social person I have always been. I still crave being around people and engaging with others. And that includes me. Being social has a new meaning for me, with a more thought-out purpose perhaps. And newness that is fueling is always, always welcomed.