On shame

I have become a bit obsessed with Dr. Brené Brown (Queen Brené, as I now call her). I’ve been kind of stalking her on YouTube, watching her talks and learning more about the research she has done around shame and vulnerability. We all know what shame is, we all have experience it at one point on another I’m sure, as it is a very natural emotion. But it wasn’t until I heard Brené describe the reasons we feel shame and the source of this emotion that I understood more accurately why we experience it. Not until I heard her draw parallels with perfectionism did it feel sort of personal too. Brené describes this emotion as “the fear of disconnection”, and given that we humans are wired for connection, this is a more damaging emotion to feel consistently than I realized. Yes, we have moments of shame, totally natural, and it would be unreal not to ever feel it. But it’s important to identify it when it surfaces, and address it straight on. It’s been so good for me to understand this better, not just for me and when I feel it, but for when others in my life do.
Yesterday was my daughter’s 8^th grade graduation, and like a normal teenager, after the ceremony was over, she gently instructed me to go mingle with the parents while she spent time with her friends (code for “yeah, I don’t want you to mingle with me and my friends”). As I got these instructions, I noticed a good friend of mine walking towards me with her husband. So I went to her, to mingle with the big people (or shall I say, bigger people, as my daughter is taller than me J). My friend has been going through some tough times at home. I don’t really have specifics, but a few months ago I ran into her at Target and she mentioned that she was putting her house on the market because they needed to downsize. They had to sell their house because they couldn’t make payments basically – she didn’t’ say it in so many words, but said it. So they are selling their house and are now looking for a place to live that they can afford without impacting their kids’ schedules and their lifestyle too much.
So as I ran into her, I asked her about the selling of the house and how the process was going, and she told me it had sold already (which didn’t surprise me, it is a gorgeous house). Her tone and face displayed disappointment, and she tried to avoid making eye contact with me. And then, she started increasing her pace sort of walking in front of me, signaling that she didn’t want to keep talking. This is a good friend of mine, we have gone out together, just the two of us, and hung out. Our families even traveled together once. And I could totally see and feel that she didn’t want to engage with me. And I thought of Brené’s words, and thought, gosh, it’s shame. I felt so sorry for her. Not because she had to sell her house, but because she felt shame over it. Who cares about the need to downsize? It happens. Life happens. It doesn’t define you and it doesn’t mean you’re less of a human being. What defines you is how you handle these experiences, and I know a lot of people who would have chosen to stay in a house they can’t afford and fail to make payments over downsizing – she made the right decision, and the brave one. This woman is beautiful, smart, talented, kind. To me, it’s more of a comment on life than the person that she is. Life is hard, and it happens to all of us. Life is brutal really, but it doesn’t mean anything else other than, “this is an experience you were meant to go through, so here you go - live it”. Yet, she felt shame. Brené s words kept replaying in my head – “shame is the fear of disconnection”. She didn’t want to connect with me. She felt unworthy of connection.
There are things I could have said to her, to make her feel better, to reassure her, and let her know what I thought, but then I would’ve been lecturing her, and playing psychotherapist and to some people (myself included, depending on who it comes from), that would have been annoying. She needs to go through this experience, including the process of feeling shame over it, and overcome it. It’s ok that life is happening. It happens to all of us (and aren’t we lucky it does). Maybe in time I’ll talk to her about this. It’s all about timing with these experiences. For now, she needs to experience this, that’s the sense I got.
At one point I thought maybe the problem was me, that she didn’t want to share this with me. Maybe she felt shame with just me, and is fine opening up to others. Maybe she thinks I disapprove, because I think it’s wrong to not be able to afford this and that, and what does that say of me? Did I have my own moment of shame right there? Of not being worthy enough for her to trust me and know that I wouldn’t judge, and would understand?  See? We all feel it; none of us escapes shame…
Just then my daughter came to find me, she was done mingling, which meant I could be done too. Phew, exhausting when it isn’t natural.

I can’t wait for my friend to go through this experience, and come back, ready to connect with me again. I can’t wait for her to look at shame in the face, deal with the emotions, and be proud of her decision, of enduring the experience, and of herself. And once she does, I will share Brene's talks with her. They are the kind that can change the world. They should be watched by the world.

Thank you Queen Brené for teaching me about this emotion, because where I would have normally been put off by how my friend dismissed me, I identified her emotions and felt compassion for her. See? Changing the world, and making it better, one person at a time.