The beautiful game of give and take

I have always been a very social person. I thrive being around people, talking, exchanging ideas, having fun. It defines who I am, and have always felt happy and complete being amongst people. My friends have always been essential to me, to my happiness and overall well-being. And yet, lately, I’ve noticed that I’m starting to get so much out of spending time by myself. I have become quite selective in the people that I spend time with. I’ve grown to be sensitive to people’s energy and have become very mindful of the effect this has in me. People’s attitude, their drive and ambition (or lack thereof), their ability for insightful conversation, it has all become much more important to me in my fourth decade. And for the first time in my life, I’d rather be alone than in unexceptional company. And I don’t mean to say that some of the people in my life are not exceptional, they are. They are nice and kind and really decent human beings – but I’ve come to realize and accept that sometimes what I need I don’t necessarily get from being around them.

So I have become selective, a bit anti-social for my standards or what has been typical for me.  It used to be that I’d want to be surrounded by people, I’d get so much out of it. But as my needs have changed, so has how I spend my time and with whom. Enjoying spending time by myself has been a wonderful surprise, one I didn't expect. I sit at a café (like the one I’m in right now), write, watch people, analyze, engage in casual, “good to talk to you, have a nice life” quick chats, have lunch, a glass of wine – all by myself. And oh how I’m loving this.

So what does this mean? Does it mean I'm not as social as I used to be? That I don't get fulfillment from being around people like I always have? I guess this means I’m evolving. I am maturing and my needs – emotional, intellectual, even physical, are maturing too. I find myself unfulfilled with meaningless conversation, and it can be hard, almost painful when I don’t get meaningful ones. Of course there are a handful of people in my life that fulfill these needs, and thank God for them. Yet, in the absence of this, being with just me, with my thoughts, reading, writing, listening to music, just being, is better.

 

But here’s another fabulous surprise that has happened to me as I spend time by myself – conversations with strangers. Random conversations with people I don’t know that start from sitting by ourselves in the same café. A lady reading a book who wants a break from reading and decides to share that her daughter is starting college next year and how she’ll miss her at home, a quick conversation with the guy who runs the café - an older guy who decided to come help his son run his business, because it got him out of the house and he was starting to get depressed now that he’s alone. I don’t know about you, but I go through most of my days wondering what my contribution to the world is, how I can make the world better. It just hit me after one of these spontaneous, nice conversations that perhaps, listening to these people tell me about their lives is all I need to do to make the world better. Because sometimes what people need is someone who is willing to listen.

So as I have become a bit more selective in how and who I spend my time, I also know that I need to be in peoples’ lives. I realize that my energy might not be a match for everybody; it might not have the right balance for some. But for a lot of people in my life (friends and strangers), it can be fuel. They need to be around me, my energy, just as much as I need to be around other people’s great energy. They need my optimism and my drive and ambition and drive as fuel, and I am both willing and honored to provide this to anyone who needs it and welcomes it. And in an interesting way, I need to be around theirs too, if only for a different kind of fuel. The trick is striking the right balance, something that I'm getting better at each day.

And as I fuel myself by spending time with people that elevate me, enjoy quiet time by myself and have small conversations with strangers, I continue to grow – I learn to listen, really listen, learn to not judge, learn to be compassionate and understanding and kind and also learn that it is not about giving advice, or suggestions for the future, or questioning decisions made, but about giving love and kindness. The only meaningful thing we can offer is love. Love and kindness – that really is the most powerful fuel. I pass that fuel on to those who might be open to receiving it, and it comes right back to me. It all comes full circle, the game of give and take.

 

Well what do you know, I’m still the very social person I have always been. I still crave being around people and engaging with others. And that includes me. Being social has a new meaning for me, with a more thought-out purpose perhaps. And newness that is fueling is always, always welcomed.

 

On shame

I have become a bit obsessed with Dr. Brené Brown (Queen Brené, as I now call her). I’ve been kind of stalking her on YouTube, watching her talks and learning more about the research she has done around shame and vulnerability. We all know what shame is, we all have experience it at one point on another I’m sure, as it is a very natural emotion. But it wasn’t until I heard Brené describe the reasons we feel shame and the source of this emotion that I understood more accurately why we experience it. Not until I heard her draw parallels with perfectionism did it feel sort of personal too. Brené describes this emotion as “the fear of disconnection”, and given that we humans are wired for connection, this is a more damaging emotion to feel consistently than I realized. Yes, we have moments of shame, totally natural, and it would be unreal not to ever feel it. But it’s important to identify it when it surfaces, and address it straight on. It’s been so good for me to understand this better, not just for me and when I feel it, but for when others in my life do.
Yesterday was my daughter’s 8^th grade graduation, and like a normal teenager, after the ceremony was over, she gently instructed me to go mingle with the parents while she spent time with her friends (code for “yeah, I don’t want you to mingle with me and my friends”). As I got these instructions, I noticed a good friend of mine walking towards me with her husband. So I went to her, to mingle with the big people (or shall I say, bigger people, as my daughter is taller than me J). My friend has been going through some tough times at home. I don’t really have specifics, but a few months ago I ran into her at Target and she mentioned that she was putting her house on the market because they needed to downsize. They had to sell their house because they couldn’t make payments basically – she didn’t’ say it in so many words, but said it. So they are selling their house and are now looking for a place to live that they can afford without impacting their kids’ schedules and their lifestyle too much.
So as I ran into her, I asked her about the selling of the house and how the process was going, and she told me it had sold already (which didn’t surprise me, it is a gorgeous house). Her tone and face displayed disappointment, and she tried to avoid making eye contact with me. And then, she started increasing her pace sort of walking in front of me, signaling that she didn’t want to keep talking. This is a good friend of mine, we have gone out together, just the two of us, and hung out. Our families even traveled together once. And I could totally see and feel that she didn’t want to engage with me. And I thought of Brené’s words, and thought, gosh, it’s shame. I felt so sorry for her. Not because she had to sell her house, but because she felt shame over it. Who cares about the need to downsize? It happens. Life happens. It doesn’t define you and it doesn’t mean you’re less of a human being. What defines you is how you handle these experiences, and I know a lot of people who would have chosen to stay in a house they can’t afford and fail to make payments over downsizing – she made the right decision, and the brave one. This woman is beautiful, smart, talented, kind. To me, it’s more of a comment on life than the person that she is. Life is hard, and it happens to all of us. Life is brutal really, but it doesn’t mean anything else other than, “this is an experience you were meant to go through, so here you go - live it”. Yet, she felt shame. Brené s words kept replaying in my head – “shame is the fear of disconnection”. She didn’t want to connect with me. She felt unworthy of connection.
There are things I could have said to her, to make her feel better, to reassure her, and let her know what I thought, but then I would’ve been lecturing her, and playing psychotherapist and to some people (myself included, depending on who it comes from), that would have been annoying. She needs to go through this experience, including the process of feeling shame over it, and overcome it. It’s ok that life is happening. It happens to all of us (and aren’t we lucky it does). Maybe in time I’ll talk to her about this. It’s all about timing with these experiences. For now, she needs to experience this, that’s the sense I got.
At one point I thought maybe the problem was me, that she didn’t want to share this with me. Maybe she felt shame with just me, and is fine opening up to others. Maybe she thinks I disapprove, because I think it’s wrong to not be able to afford this and that, and what does that say of me? Did I have my own moment of shame right there? Of not being worthy enough for her to trust me and know that I wouldn’t judge, and would understand?  See? We all feel it; none of us escapes shame…
Just then my daughter came to find me, she was done mingling, which meant I could be done too. Phew, exhausting when it isn’t natural.

I can’t wait for my friend to go through this experience, and come back, ready to connect with me again. I can’t wait for her to look at shame in the face, deal with the emotions, and be proud of her decision, of enduring the experience, and of herself. And once she does, I will share Brene's talks with her. They are the kind that can change the world. They should be watched by the world.

Thank you Queen Brené for teaching me about this emotion, because where I would have normally been put off by how my friend dismissed me, I identified her emotions and felt compassion for her. See? Changing the world, and making it better, one person at a time.

 

 

 

The Power of a Smile

I woke up feeling shitty. I didn’t sleep well, didn’t sleep soundly, woke up at 3am, stayed up for two hours - and had all my worries meet me at that time of the day. Alarm went off at 6am and unlike most mornings, I really wanted to sleep longer. But no, day has to start, kids have to go to school, breakfast needs to happen – life goes on (thank goodness).

Walk out to the hallway to see that my dog peed in the carpet. Of course he did. He never ever does, and this morning, after a crappy night and waking up tired and cranky, I walk out to dog pee.

As I do every morning, I went down my list of make happy elements: lunch with Kristy – thank God. Kristy always makes me feel good, and I didn’t feel good. Lunch with her is exactly what I need. Daughter has attitude, which doesn’t help my mood. Daughter is a teenager, so I shouldn’t be surprised. She’s a good girl, just a teenager, bless her heart. I had a shorter fuse today, that’s all.

Daughter leaves for school, so I go to get my son, who is awake and reading in bed. I cuddle with him and for the first time in the day, I feel good and blessed. Thank you God for not letting me lose sight of how lucky I am to be cuddling with him. In a world filled with chaos and violence and natural disasters and grief and loss, I don’t lose sight of it, and in fact, appreciate it in a very acute way.

Son and I are almost out the door when I get a text from Kristy, who is sick and cancelling lunch. Shit! That was my make happy element of the day, and I really needed that. Shit. Ok, need to find another make happy element.

I drop off my son at school, and rather than driving to the city, where I was going to meet Kristy for lunch, I decide to go to a nearby coffee shop that has really good energy - that’s exactly what I need, good energy. So I walk into the café, set my stuff down and look up to the counter – a new girl is working today. New for me at least. She’s cute, looks a little like Katy Perry, who I love, but seems kind of serious and unfriendly, and I’m not in the mood for serious and unfriendly.  I approached her in my normal, nice way because the fact that I didn’t sleep well, or that my dog peed in the carpet, or that my teenage daughter had attitude or that Kristy cancelled lunch is not really her fault. So I order my coffee to go, even though I’m staying in, and our eyes meet. And she gives me the best smile. The best smile, really. Exactly what I needed. And I thought three things: 1) Don’t expect the worst in people, rather, bring out the best in them and 2) you attract what you think, so be very careful with your thoughts, and 3) everything will be alright, life is good. J

I have chosen to be happy because it's good for my health

I recently started contracting for a digital marketing agency as a senior account and project manager. I have been doing account and project management most of my life, on and off, and love it. I love offering client service and I’ll admit that I’m pretty good at it– I know what mediocre service looks like and I try to offer the exact opposite. The agencies I’ve worked for were incredibly pleased with my service, which usually resulted in me managing their biggest accounts. This was fourteen years ago, when the advertising agency world looked and worked differently. Before social media, and e-mail marketing and website management and wiki pages.  

Fast forward fourteen years and it’s a brand new game. Project management is pretty much the same, but the technology focus that some of these projects require go beyond what 20 years of experience working on storyboards and radio copy, and 30 second TV spots offer. Yes, those are still happening, just not in a digital marketing agency – at least not the one I was contracting for. Additionally, something that happened as you fast forward is that I am a different person and professional, looking for a different and more meaningful life and what I do with it. I am much more mindful in how I invest my time (and on what).

I’m a hustler, and what I might lack in knowledge and experience I make up in drive and determination, and so as I committed to this role, I hustled. If I didn’t know how to push content live to a site, I’d ask, and create step by step and how-to-guides, and watch the developers do it, and learn. And because I don’t like quitting, I pushed through and did this for weeks. Seventeen weeks to be exact. And it nearly made me go through a nervous breakdown. You see, it’s interesting going through this experience in your 40’s, when you HAVE a ton of knowledge and experience, and you know exactly what you want and don’t want to do with your life. I’m sorry if I’m hurting anyone’s feeling, but I am not passionate about wiki pages or website management. I don’t speak that language and frankly, I’m not interested in learning it at this point. I probably knew two weeks into it that this wasn’t the right role for me. In many ways it seemed like it was, in a lot more ways it didn’t. But my determination kept leading, while my inner voice kept screaming “no, no, this isn’t it!”. I shushed it, and kept going, ignoring the signs around me, sent by a Higher Force. And when the inner voice needed help, it turned to my heart. Smart, because I always listen to my heart. For emotional reasons, but also for my health.

When you reach your fourth decade, and you have little people that call you mom, you take a lot more care of yourself and your health than when you’re in your twenties. At least I do. And so, I realized that even though the stress I was under was a really good diet, it wasn’t sustainable. I also realized that a huge part of my stress was the fact that I was doing something that I knew in my core, was not right for me. Call me sentimental, but I’ve reached a point in my life where I want to work in things that are meaningful, significant, that are touching people’s lives and making the planet a better place. You can do that working for an ad agency, and you can do that in your spare time while working at an ad agency – I just didn’t have spare time, didn’t even feel grounded enough to juggle both. I was really unbalanced and confused and exhausted. It took all of my energy (and then some) to make this work, simply because my entire body and soul knew it shouldn’t.

I rehearsed the conversation I’d have with my manager in my head several times before I actually had the guts to have it. Often times, it is so much easier to just stay, keep pushing through, avoid change and keep going. But often times, the right thing is not the easy thing. So I finally did the uneasy thing, and it was easier than I anticipated. Things that are meant to be, just need to be, and in the end, you just need to strive for what makes you happy. I have a daily messages calendar on my desk, and the message that day read: “Choose the harder right over the easier wrong”. Boom! Another sign. And so I did.

And as I sit here, three weeks after deciding to take control of my life back and getting back to my duties as mom, CEO of my household, and writer, I ponder on what the lesson for me was. Because there is always a lesson, and that is the silver lining of this and all experiences. I’m someone who does a pretty good job of listening to my instinct, following my passions, doing what makes me happy, and maybe the lesson here is that I need to do that all the time, nonstop, no exceptions. And as I grow and mature, more so, because we become less tolerant of not living our truth, not being happy. When we are younger, our truth is probably still being defined. Once it is, it just is and we live it. Why did it take me so long this time? I am not sure, but it was a wakeup call. Perhaps my lesson is for others too, because I have people around me in similar situations, and I feel responsible to share my experience with others. If there is a miniscule chance that this can help others I love, then it was worth it. This experience would have never killed me, but it could have damage my health – physical and emotional. I look back at what I was doing, how I was feeling, and how I was operating, and I feel a reaction in my stomach. And that is the feeling I felt most of my days. Ugh. Bravo Maru for stopping it! I don’t think of this as a failure, in fact I continue to work with this agency in a different capacity. I see this as a triumph because I took control. Yes, it took me seventeen weeks – it takes some people a lifetime. And that’s probably another silver lining here, the strength and resilience I realized I have was such a nice surprise.

Six days later, the daily message from my calendar read: “Appropriate words spoken at the appropriate time can be a force of nature”. Amen, sister. I’ve said my peace.