I cry a lot. My daughter is quick to point it out to me, half of the time in disbelief, and to a certain point, annoyed whenever she sees me shed a tear. She’ll turn to me, stare and say “are you crying???” Lol, it’s funny when I think about it, but can be off putting when you are in the midst of an emotional moment. But yes, I’m a crier; I can’t help it. Every day almost, for sure every week. I’ve always been an emotional being. I don’t know if it has to do with my culture, my personality, my upbringing, or simply, my DNA, but I’ve always felt emotions intensely. It is what it is and after a lifetime of being this way, I am used to it. But I’ve become more emotional with age. I have developed a certain level of compassion and sensitivity that has come with maturity and I think also with motherhood.
What’s interesting to me as I observe and analyze this is that I might be at one of the happiest times of my life, yet, I cry more than ever, which seems like an interesting paradox. Little things just get me emotional – a story on TV, a movie, a song, listening to someone speak about things that matter to me, watching Ellen DeGeneres make someone’s life better. You see, crying is not always about being sad or unhappy. In fact, I think a huge reason why I’m at my happiest right now has to do with the level of empathy and compassion I’ve developed towards others, more so recently. The ability to feel this, to get out of my skin, think and feel outside of myself, and focus on the well-being and happiness of others has been a huge blessing that I’ve developed as I have matured, and maturity is a wonderful thing if we focus on the beautiful aspect of it, and the wisdom that comes with it. I can’t say that I’ve had a tough life, at least not when seeing my life through my lens. I’ve had my challenges, some would say I had a tough childhood, but the way I see it, life has given me the opportunity to see clearly the blessings that have come to balance those challenges. And it is maturity what has given me the ability to develop the lens and filter needed to see this.
When I was around twelve years old, I accompanied my mom to the theater to see Kramer vs. Kramer, and I remember my mom leaving the theater in tears. My sisters and I asked her why she was crying, and she explained. Of course we didn't get it, and I remember thinking how unnecessary it was to cry over a movie where a mom relinquishes her rights to have custody of her child. It was her own decision; the child was going to get to stay with his father, wasn't that what he wanted? What they all wanted? Oh boy, little did I know then....
And so as I see my daughter looking at me weird, and passing judgment over my reaction to certain situations, I realize that I’m probably responsible for this, because she is the strong, opinionated girl that I was (genetics is a fascinating thing!)
I thank God that she has these traits, because I know it will help her stand up for herself and reach goals she sets in life. And I also thank God for the wisdom that allows me to understand this, the wisdom that gives me the ability to mold her so that her judgment doesn’t become hurtful to others, accept it and accept her with love and admiration. She will someday look back and understand me as well, just as i now look back at my mom and understand her in ways i didn't as a young girl. And she'll be thankful, just as I am today.
For now, I will continue to be who I am, and shed a tear here and there. And rather than feel silly about it, I will feel pride, because compassion and empathy are beautiful selfless emotions anyone would be lucky to feel. And to be ok being vulnerable enough to embrace these emotions is one of the best gifts I’ve had in this lifetime.
